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In Thailand, and the earth is rolling in ecstacy at my feet... I am having the most beautiful time, so why am I still bothered with any of the shit that might be occuring back home? I'll tell you why... because someone is ill-wishing and giving me reams of bad luck, someone is cursing me, someone has beef and someone needs to get the fuck over themselves and realise that: that's life babe and fixating on me isn't going to change a thing. So i'm going to continue to have a ridiculously amazing time on this gorgeous paradise island and whoever it is that's sending me these bad vibes is going to sort their shit out. I have a pretty good idea who it might be. Stop being pathetic, this bores me. I don't know what i've done... or maybe I do but either way it means fuck all in the grand scheme of things, so get happy & get over it cause i'm not going to fight you and am going to stop giving a fuck about... now. One month left in Thailand, full moon party in 3 days!!!!!! JOyyyyyyy! x
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You are all PIGS! I wish I had that power. I need a rebound. I need a rollie. I need a wee. I need you. mmmm. mmm. mm. m. |
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Hello again livejournal. I am currently inhabiting the newest paradigm of my life and attitudes and have a few things to admit to. Firstly I am in no way suffering. I expected I would be, or that I shoud be, but in all honesty am not. I'm pretty content. This makes me feel bad though, as I have no idea how content Harry is. Things between us have been peculiar as we don't seem to know how to behave around each other, which makes for akward moments. That aside, I'm pleased at the way things have turned out, if not a slightly guilty about how little I care about our previous lengthy relationship. I suppose you really can't help it if you don't feel the same; I can't force myself to care. I am going to Thailand on 4th July and am VERY much looking forward to it. Can't wait to explore somewhere new again and have a beautiful new adventure! I'm glad Jacks is going with me, it'll give us a chance to connect again, I haven't really spoken to him properly in a year or so & he used to be a good mate. I am looking forward to kicking back & learning a bit of a new language again. I am also looking forward to fresh thai food, island raves, gorgeous beaches, mountain tribes and treks and uber temples!! Delicious. I come back to blighty on 15th September... then uni. I am in no way skeptical about Uni. In fact, I'm looking forward to it in a big way. It'll be sad leaving some wonderful people but a really cool experience going somewhere completely alien where I know absolutely nobody. I'm really looking forward to studying again and learning loads of new stuff and making new friends & finding new people to jam with and being completely independent and gigging again and facing fuckloads of new challenges. Bring it on. Plus I can come back to brighton whenever; £6 megabus ftw. I am excited about life. I am very tired... but I am in no way suffering.
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You walked into my house last night I couldn't help but notice A light that was long gone still burning strong You were sitting Your fingers like fuses Your eyes were cinnamon You said you stand for every known abuse While every line speaks the language of love It's annoying when people just post lyrics on livejournal because you never really have the faintest idea what they're on about, but at the moment it sums up whatever I need to say in the best way possible. I have a definitive week ahead of me and am at a complete loss. I know this isn't going to be easy, I just really hope it doesn't turn my life around in a horrible, horrible way. I really hope I don't loose anything, anyone. It wasn't supposed to be easy though. It was never going to be forever. It's going to be fucking horrible. I'm going back to bed. I thought about posting another entry, seeing as I need a rant & have absolutely FUCK ALL to do as usual but thought I may aswell try not to look like complete failure at life and just add to this one.
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Everything fills me with happiness & nothing pleases me. I want to badly to get out of this country again but have absolutely no money, no income, no prospects... What is this shit? I am so sound, so happy at present, i'm just so fucking stir-crazy! I am a prosthetic limb. I am a stuffed badger. I am out of date wasabi sauce. What is there for me? I am a specialist subject.
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Some people are so fucking horrible. I'm glad i'm going away for six weeks. I wish it was longer. Fuck off. |
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Dead frog in the pond. There were two. They were all white and bloated floating in the corner & my dad had to fish them out. One had it's tongue sticking out. I don't know what he did with them afterwards. My guess is he chucked them in the bin & didn't tell me. Sometimes I am baffled by the lack of sanctity we attribute to the dead when it could result in us putting ourselves out in some way. Fair enough the frogs were not human and therefore are probably not entitled to the same burial rights as humans but they looked so sad just floating there all pale and puffed up, I wanted them to have some kind of respect after that, but, they probably went in the bin. I mused for a while about our importance after death after this experience and emerged none the wiser. I just felt bad about the dead frogs. On a lighter note, dead frogs aside, I am having a really good weekend and am experiencing alot of luck today. Luck is always good because you always feel in some way responsible for your own good fortune and are left feeling like a shining beacon surrounded with goodness, goodness that you evidently deserve. Today began especially luckily... My alarm failed to go off, however I woke up fifteen minutes later avoiding the violent wakeup call I usually recieve so was in a good mood and got up at the right time. Score. I then made myself a poached egg and everything about it was prefect, i'm really really picky about eggs and can't eat them if they're not right but this one was per-fect. I later found my smiths cd and nearly cried due to the huge concentration on joy issuing from my face. I've been looking for that cd for about 2 years and had given it up for gone last year. It is SUCH a good album, words cannot even describe my joy!! Ooooooooohhhhhhhhh yessssssss! Morrisey, Johnny Marr, you diamonds. I'm going to fraggle rock to walk dearest smudge with the famo in an hour or so which is going to be fun fun fun because I get to run around in the wild and climb on things. Yes! It's not actually called fraggle rock like the tv show, it's called something rock but i can never remember so I call it that instead. I'm tempted to say Neil's rock or Edward's rock but I know for a fact neither of those are remotely right so i'm not sure whey they're at the front of my brain. I'M GOING TO NEPAL IN 2 WEEKS!!!!! This is pretty much the most important and exciting thing that has happened/or will happen to me this year. Ohhhh I cannot wait!! yesyesyes. Life is gooooooood. Aside from knowing I will miss Harry I am SO pumped up about it, and on the plus side it'll be much worse for him because i'll be having a lovely time and will be busy all the time so won't be thinking about him too much. I sound horrible, that wasn't mean to sound horrible. Whatever, I know what I mean. Anyway, It will be joy. FACT. Yesterday I bought a hiking rucksack with bambi's on and I get to knock down another wall later too, carnage and fun!! Then I will eat my toffee yoghurt. Toffee Yoghurt!! Ohhhhh man<3
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To begin on a sour note: Urghhhh. I CANNOT stop thinking about it!!! So, I will bitch and snarl and stew in the juices of hatred until I feel a little better. The vein in my head, it is likely, will pop otherwise. I have never experienced such dislike. The thought of her makes me feel sick. Ohhhhh civility would make her bearable, but seeing as I don't even recieve an acknowledgement, I think it's safe to say, fuck off you rude skanky bitch, I was having a lovely time before you excluded me from the conversation I was JUST having by making a tacky overblown entrance to which you know everybody will react and greet you in a tacky overblown response. Oh please, just fuck off. What is your fucking problem?? Do you not have anyone taller to irritate with your presence? Jesus! Speaking of which, I got some brilliant catholic jewellery from help the aged the other day. Couple of rosaries, jesus, mary & holy child bracelet, a mary necklace, some fantastic pictures of bleeding heart mary & a couple of prayers on WELL tacky paper with pictures of the holy virgin. YES PLEASE! Fucking love it. That's all going in my stash. I have swapped rooms with my brother & feel alot better without all that wasted space, he needed it way more than I did. So now I have a little snug & it is BOILING in here, which is bloody great. I love the warm. mmmm. I never thought I would say this in my entire life, but, I had the most fantastic valentines day ever. Normally I don't really go in for the whole "valentines" thang, but this year I thought, as Harry & I have been together a while, I might as well take advantage of the fact that it was valentines day to make it clear to him that he's very important to me. And it was bloody lovely. I cooked a really good meal, we ate loads, had wine & more pudding, chilled out for the whole evening, smoked lots of spliff, had a really nice time. He was very appreciative that I cooked meat for him aswell, which was good as it was fucking disgusting and I suffered for that meal. haha. So yeah, lovely time, had nice breakfast this morning & chilled out all day with tea, biscuits & spliff. It's horrible when we have time like that, which is ALL the time. The time itself isn't horrible, that's great, it's just it's got to that stage where we always have a really nice time together, get all loved up & then miss each other because one of us has to leave, which is shit. Yeah I know that isn't a REAL problem, but I'm sure i'm allowed to think it's crap. I'm pretty pleased with life on the whole. Am going to Nepal on 6th March and am OH SO VERY EXCITED!! yes. Another rabies jab tommorow, endless fun and japes. I do really, really want a baby though. Yeah, I know... I am so broody it's not funny or normal anymore. Give me children!!! All the children!! I will wrap them in flockety rugs and make them play with wooden toys, I will train them all to be a jazz band like in cold comfort farm and we shall have all the fun in the world. They will have cherub hair and button noses & I will love them all!! Loving the children at the moment. When I see other people with kids small enough to pick up & run with i'm always so tempted... My breasts have grown a bit, that's probably why I'm wanting all the children, i'm womanly enough to crave the little ones now my chest isn't completely flat. So that's a plus I guess. Anyway, I can't really be bothered to write anymore & i'm sure my life's not really interesting enough to be able to pad this out that much & it still be vaguely engaging so I will bid you goodnight, livejournal my dearest and go and have a yoghurt. A real one, not a soya one. Dark horse, I know.
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Hello to you my slice of lucky pie, things are looking up. Olay!! I don't even know if that's how you spell olay... it may have a silent "h" more of a holay! But that makes it seem a little more mexican. It's not spanish or mexican is it? It's arabic. Originally. I think. BORING, olay! Who cares anyway? Nobody, on with my typing. I've had a pretty good few days & a chance to spend time with people I like which is always a plus, strangely. This has restored my love of those surrounding me. Not that I decided I didn't like them, I just enjoyed them more than my joyless self had been previously. Today I went to the jobcentre & they were very helpful and kind and polite which made me love them too. I also loved the chavvy guy outside lewes trainstation who tugged on my sleeve and said "no good rollin one of them in this weaver lav, av one a mine." To which I replied, "no you're alright really, thankyou though", he was having none of it, "nah go on darlin" (still pulling my sleeve which I thought was a bit weird and intimidating) "jus av a straight." So I said thankyou & he smiled and sat down on the bench to tuck his tracksuit bottoms into his socks, I then felt akward and had to leave whilst smoking my mayfair superking, the shining symbol of human generosity and mutal lung cancer. The only thing that has managed to annoy me today was the bbc coverage of the Obama inauguration ceremony. Well, not so much the coverage from the bbc but the guest speakers that were talking bollocks for most of it. "Yes, I feel his speech was very matter of fact and grim." What? Who is this man? And who the fuck gave him license to speak on national television when his opinions are so obtuse and lacking in appreciation for what is actually occuring here. It was obvious that yes, Obama's speech was factual, but it's because he doesn't dress crisis down, he addresses issues with words implying pragmatism, understanding and honesty, most importantly with hope. The hope in that speech was SO evident, he addressed the facts and raised the awareness of the listeners to then thrust upon them, the powerful imagery and poetic metaphor of the strength of water and nature to empower Americans to work not like a destructive power or manmade power, but like a natural river, a strong progressive symbol, and most importantly a peaceful one. In what way is that grim? Yes, reality is grim. Were you expecting any less? What a brilliant speech and what a stupid man to make such a comment about it. These people are supposed to be intelligent, not make half assed statements like that!! Guh! Hello, you must be bored by now. Tommorow I am going to see Zazie and am SO excited I think a little bit of wee just came out. I need to change my pants. G'night. x
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...HOW IT USED TO BE, HOW'S IT GONNA BE? This is where is fucking begins...
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So if that's the case there's no point waiting around for it because it's not going to appear if it hasn't already. Jack London wrote White Fang so he must have it well and truly sorted and sussed. White Fang!! Yes! Although applying quotes like that to my current situation isn't really going to solve anything, it's good to assume that it will help to make sense of things, but it really won't. There is so much that I want to just say, but I feel like saying it, or talking to someone about it would be the wrong thing to do. I don't want to make a mistake and not be able to go back, or do something i'm going to regret bigtime. I already feel like i've done something stupid in talking to somebody about it today, because it shouldn't be out in the open. It was the wrong thing to do. I just need to fucking talk to somebody. I have no idea what to do!! Also if the decision is made, there's no going back, and I'll have no friends, which'll be fucking great. Can't wait to be the bad guy and to be hated by everyone I know for being the ultimate bitch. Bring it the fuck on. I don't know what to do & I have never been more confused. I need to do something though, soon. I'm tired of this and i'm unhappy.
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I need a moment to briefly mull over the credibility of my states of happiness, being the unbenign and twisted soul that I am. I feel as though i've been substituting actual joy with contentment for some time now and the lack of elation that I have felt over the past few months is now starting to dawn on me. Either I should be concerned about this and the imbalance of truly good occurences in my life OR concerned about how confused I am regarding true happiness and why it is that I don't feel I have achieved it consistently over the past few months. I feel like i'm growing more cynical and sarcastic about the world the older I get & becoming more and more of a hateful sociopath the more time I spend with people. I am having SERIOUS inexplicable doubts about everything dear to me and growing increasingly unsettled with my lot. Is this pure selfishness? Or a sign that I need to move on? Would I regret any decisions I made now later on? Or would they benefit me hugely in the long run? I feel as though they would but only because they would combat the sense of stasis that is settling in on top of me like a layer of dust. I'm begining to sound like Mariana for fucks sake, and we know what she represents. Fuck off Tennyson. I need help. ---------------------------------------- On a lighter and completely different note, some brilliant family news has pulled me right out of the murk and made me thank whatever divinity is currently in effect for blessed life. Although said news meant I couln't go out last night and had to go to Heathfield for a last minute family celebration, AND I left my phone at home only to return to a lot of missed calls which made me feel very rude and ungracious for not being able to recieve them. I really wanted to go to Riff's birthday meal thing but I suppose family comes first. Today I have to go to Hove to meet Tiff for an "artist consultation" which is good and fancy and then I shall go to the pub. Partly to see Jaks on his birthday because I genuinely DO want to see him and it will be pleasant to do so but also on a psycho, paranoid, here I am, yes still alive and better than you level, as there will be alot of people that have made me feel pretty uncomfortable about myself in the past there. I hate how I used to be the sort of person people like that could prey on. They make you feel like you're just not COOL enough to be in their shining presence when actually thier ego is based on nothing at all, nothing that should affect you anyway. People from Uckfield are fucking weird and it took me a long time to realise this. They have no idea there is a while world out there full of very interesting people so much more worth talking to than them. In short, to use a perfectly effective cliche: big fish, small pond syndrome. But hey, now I sound like I think i'm fucking incredible and i'm just small town Uckfield scum along with the rest of them. I think too much about this shit, I'm only going for a fucking drink.
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I am tired of playing defense, and I don't even have hockey skates. |
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So christmas has been absolutely lovely, however (as there is always a however with yours truly, horrible cynic that I have become), I was fucking ill for the entire time, and am still!! I had the fucking plague or something!! Nastiest illness EVER!! Eurgh. I had no appetite which meant that I couldn't stomach the magical christmas veggi lasangne that my dear grandmother made for me in all her kindness and festive cheer. Nor could I eat any of the special christmas chocolates that lay smattered about the house, taunting me with great mirth. OR drink anything because of the huuuge amounts of my gran's prescription painkillers that I took to get rid of my hideous headache, as that would (inevitably) result in my subsequent and certain death!! Ohhhh lordy, lordy, I am a one. Christmas was bloody lovely though; as it should be. I didn't drink tonight at Natalie's christmas party thing for the people of Uck either. I am quite the strong-willed puritan... it would appear. Was really nice to see the college lot together again & I had a pretty good time getting chatted up by kids from Uckfield sixth form who told me I was sexy because I was "edgy". hahahaha. I took the piss out of them all night and they still kept coming back for more & giving me lots of ciggarettes. It was great fun. I am after all extremely sexy... with an edge. lols to that I say! I enjoyed being chatted up by Ross Harris though, as he isn't half bad looking and that reassures me that I haven't been in a relationship long enough to make me completely unattractive and repulsive to other members of the opposite sex. This can happen you see. It's not like i'm trying to keep my options open, I just enjoy the confidence boost. Also he is actually quite easy to talk to because he's not a complete idiot... much. He's also a year younger than me which makes him instantly undesirable, also the desperate vibe you get from him doesn't really achieve anything in his favour. I should probably get some sleep. First I willl have a rollie, and then... to bedfordshire! I will put my final word in brackets as it's pretty lame, nigh unbelievably pathetic, but... (I haven't seen Harry in ages & it's his birthday tommorow & I'm REEEEAAAALLLYYYYYY excited about seeing him, oh! He makes me so pleased!!:D Hurrah!! It's good to have a Harry.) The End.
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Am I completely alone in this fucking universe!!? WHYYYYYY!!!!?????????????! |
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Ohhh it's so very nearly christmas. I am very excited indeed. I have finished wrapping and making all presents and feel very exhilarated and filled with schnaps and metaphorical tinsel. YES! I was sposed to be going out for Pip's birthday tonight. I didn't want to go but said I would because, for some reason I felt I had something to prove that would be proven by being out with that lot. I wanted to arrive looking great, to be very wonderful and say to everyone, "yes, look, i'm still alive, and i'm fucking fabulous, what have you been doing with yourself lately you sad, sad people? Do you still have your septum? Or has it fallen out due to the inordinate amouts of repro you've been shovelling since we last spoke? Are you in volved with some sort of "cool" institution?? I'm so avidly dying to know!" guh. That lot piss me off more than I can explain."Does not Dionysius seem to have made it sufficiently clear that there can be nothing happy for the person over whom some fear always looms?" Oh Damocles, you assess their situation so purposefully. How can one group of people honestly think they're the genuine centre of the fucking universe, and put on thier little show all day everyday for fear of appearing "uncool"? How I ask you! I decided to wrap presents and go a'shoppin with mother, and go to my aunties to get high and drink tea & sing carols instead, which was so much more satisfying than sitting in a bar with that lot I can tell you. I ate eight mince pies today. Then I cooked dinner, couldn't eat it and gave it to the cat. Then I ate loads of chocolate because I was hungry again; my most logical move of the day. My jovial mood has been rudely interrupted. I shall now change my tone... URGH! I told Harry I was going to stay at his tonight after i'd been out with Pip, didn't tell him I wouldn't be and just got a really fucking annoying phonecall. One of my pet hates is phone conversations that start with a lot of noise and no hello, causing you to go, "hello? Hello?" Then you get a shouty, "hello!" and lots more background noise. The person on the other end wishes you to know that they are having a wizard time and also wishes to irritate you by making no sense. The phonecall now has no purpose as the caller is thoroughly incoherent but what you do know is that they are REALLY enjoying themselves. When you finally make sense of the callers intentions, you, the recipient are pissed off and give them a shortish answer (note, you are also annoyed due to the 1.30 am phonecall waking up your entire household, you'll pay for that one in the morning.), to which the offending caller responds with an unsympathetic, "I am offended" comment. (More background noise.) "Whatever", you say. "Oh." The caller replies, pissed, off and dissapointed, and hangs up. ARGHHHHHHHH!!! I AM SO ANGRY! There is nothing on earth I detest more than these conversations with people!! In short: I'm glad you're enjoying yourself, but... FUCK. OFF. PLEASE. Jesus! Gosh, I feel a rant coming on. You know, my facebook doesn't work at the moment! What the eff is that about!? I miss Zazie, and i'm really annoyed my facebook isn't working cause I couldn't reply to her comment and I haven't had my phone all evening so I couldn't ring her & I really want to speak with her little face. guh. Whatever. I'm in a bad place now. I need to call Harry & explain to him how much I hate those conversations and how annoying they are and I bet it'll annoy me even more talking to him. Bring it on. Why do I have so much rage this evening?
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I have one really long nail. I wish it would just break and be the same length as all the others. Harry has just left to go to work so I have gone back to bed and will stay here all day trying to find a job on the internet, seeing as I have spent the past couple of days out in the cold trying to find one and it has got me nowhere. I sound like a stuck record at the moment, for a really rubbish song with too much synth and not enough drums all about unemployment in a really shit "nu rave" sort of way. That pretty much sums me up doesn't it? yup. On the upside... Tiffany called and told me i'd got the place in the artist development project if I wanted it, so of course I said yes. WUUAAYY!! Free manager!! And recordings and pro photography and merch and gigs and hopefully some moneys coming my way due to my hearty distribution of badges with my name on at gigs haha. But seriously, I am very very pleased about something moving forward and nolonger being static in my life. HURRAHH. I have many new songs and lots of ideas for ep covers and stuff so am very excited! Got a meeting on monday to discuss what it is that I need from the project exactly. Despite being poor and feeling pretty bad that I have knitted everyone presents and not had enough money to get them real presents I am SO excited about christmas! more excited than I have ever been about anything it seems. Christmas isn't even about presents anyway, it's about being as excited as I am!! It's probably about the birth of Christ too, but Jesus wasn't even born on Christmas day according to the best information I can find, Jesus was born on the 14th of May in 6 BC. Therefore his 2000th birthday was on 14th May 1995 and regardless of which date you choose, Jesus was not born on December 25th or January 6th, like some people think. he was actually a spring baby, like me. Having an unnofficial birthday and an official one makes him a bit like the queen but not, in the respect that he was male and is known to have had a beard and come from Jerusalem and probably smelt of patchouli. The queen probably smells like lavender and piss. Apparently the three kings turned up on December 8th, which either means that Jesus was born on December 6th and i'm wrong and they were a few days late so the nativity scene makes NO SENSE because they weren't even THERE YET! It would have just been Mary & Joseph and a few shepherds, unless the shepherds stayed till the kings arrived, then it would have made sense. And were they kings? or wise men? If they were kings how would they have known each other?? It was very difficult to stay in contact between cities in olden Jerusalem. They probably had Jewish carrier pigeons or were part of some kind of elite club for kings and wise men, like some early form of the freemasons. In fact, the reason Herod probably lost his rag was because he wasn't sent an invitation via jewish carrier pigeon to be part of the king club and was so angry and hurt, he went on a baby killing spree, just because he could, because he was a king. I can relate to that, I don't really get invited anywhere much. I wouldn't go as psycho as he did though, what a prick. I digressed majorly there... So either, Jesus was born on the 6th, the Kings/Wise men turned up on the 8th and were late OR they turned up on the 8th and were very early because Jesus was born in March OR they were very late because Jesus was born the previous March and they were really pissed off and just said baby Jesus was there when they arrived because they were so embarrased and didn't want to lose their "wise cred" amongst the other kings, masons and wise men. I should have written the bible. I need to look for a job now.
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This is so pointless. No one will give me a job with the fucking scale of fucking unlucky unemployed at the moment. I've tried so hard not to have a life so I can save money and now I have no friends, no life and still not enough fuckingh money to pay off the stupid people for thier stupid thing and I feel so pointless and aimless and stupid, what a waste of a year, I wish i'd gone to fucking university in september instead of having the worst year of my life. I could have completely avoided having to save money to go travelling and just got a student loan and gone to study for three years but no. I had to stupidly spend all the money I had saved on just fucking surviving when i'm away from home OR having no life or income and locking myself away in the depths of Uckfield to sit and observe my fairly static bank account. At least when it's in the diminishing stage I'm probably enjoying myself but whats the point, it's not like I have any friends anymore or feel comfortable anywhere. The only person that ever comes to see me is Harry and i'm going to have to go and be away from him for three years which makes me more miserable than i can even begin to explain, and if I see anyone else it'a because i'm crashing in on thier lives and the things that they're doing, I just feel like the biggest most unwelcome tagalong in the whole world, being introduced as "Harry's girlfriend" because i've somehow lost thea bility to make friends and have lost all of mine somewhere, that is assuming I ever had any. YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS!!! I know, I know, don't go on about it, it makes me want to jump off a cliff more. I am not enoying my life and I feel miserable all the time which makes me so fucking angry and I have to slap myself and say, YOU, are so lucky, you have no idea, stop complaining and pull your pathetic self together. An added bonus to this year's torrent of glee for yours truly is that I now shall have the heartwarming experience of watching the people I love die around me this christmas...again. It could be alot worse and there are many other things troubling me but it would make me even more pathetic to sit and write about them at this hour when I should be attempting to sleep. Whatever I can vent about the rest another time. What other purpose does livejournal serve?? Although it makes me feel alot better to write these things down I should probably start doing it in a word document or something cause now i've written this i've decided that I don't really want anyone to read it because if you say you're miserable on the internet people assume 3 things...
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THE, undisputed, said with ultimate conviction and truth, no exaggerations or embellishments of any kind and believe me when I say, WORST fucking day of my life. Would somebody drop a huge fucking piano on my head please.
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chipper
lethargic
infuriated
bouncy
contemplative
distressed
mischievous
curious
gloomy