Friends

new years resolutions:

take my medicine regularly so swelling dusnt get anoyiny
cross at least three small things of my bucket list (done one already with my tattoo ^_^)
cross at least one big thing off my bucket list
write one new thing on my bucket list
have the corage to talk to some one i think is pretty
do the best i can in all my assignments and exams
get work experience in the animal industry
keep more regular contact with far away frends
send my photos to frends in india
do something magical
never pass up the chance to make new frends :)
HAVE AN ADVENTURE :D

it is quite chilly, bbbbrrrrrrrrrr.
i have an extention on my work whic i nice, and i have a disability meeting at brighton uni on friday whichle be scarey but nice, i have started to come to trms with things i think. i have spent a lot of time ignroing it or being consumed with it and i havnt done a lot to deal with it.i know that i am capable of things i dream of, india id evidenc of that. and i just need to start accepting that sumtimei find things difficult, sumtimes i cant walk and sumtimes i cant write or lift my arms. yes it will get worse, and yes it is spreading faster that we all thought, and yes i didnt even think about it effecting the rest of my body. but it has.
im seeig this as a test in my ability to deal with things, i have never been good at confrontation and this included confrontation with myself. but i booked a tutorial with my tutor, iv got uni under as much controle as i can at this poiint in time, and iv asked for help. that is another thing i am terrible at.
i get a dictafone for my classes, and i get breaks to keep movement in my legs. i also get a person to read my exams and write the answers for me if my arms or hands are swolen.
this is all a big step and it dus seem a little sureal but its a good start.
its also nie to have found a course i am passionate about with people i love, and its spering me on to not be defeated.
i think also, before, it was a lot easier to fuk everything off because there was sumone here that loved me and i could fall back on, and now i dont. i hae LOTS of people to help me and support me even ifthei notby my side every second of the day. but i am, i am... with the help of all my fends and teachers and family, learning to get on with stuff. of course im gunna have good days and bad days, and everyone wants to have sumone and not b lonely, but i think this year is gunna be a big learning point for me, and i hope i will develope in many ways, coz it will all be ok.
iv started drawing again too which is nice, its a different exercise for my hands and will hopfully keep muscle controle good, and iv been doing contact ball for ten minutes before i go to bed to keep my arms strong. its also nice to keep my creaive side open as well as learning all this science stuff.
i am loving science sooo much! i even get the national geographic delivered every month, and i find cellular biology and genetics and biomolecules and atoms absolutly fascinating.
but right now i need to ge on with my biological keys assignment, i need to finish my skeletal drawings and then do the final part. woot woot.
poker tonight at mine, or spit for me and rose haha.gotta get work done tho :)

iv decidedi dont like myslf atm..these stupid remarks i write on here...i need to just face it. i was right. i didnt want to be right but i was. i need to stop playing out conversatons in my head and just forget about him.hes forgoten about me.
its hard being in the same room and having the same rfrends but thats life, and i need to deal wth my arthritus on my own. i need to let go.i love him. he dunt love me. time to move on no matter how hard it is.

I WAS SOOOOOOO GOOD TODAY!!!!

more coz i thought of the bollocking i wuld get from rose hahaha...

got a call today from the nhs desease line!woooooo! ad they sed iv got an appointment in february about the experimental desease thing that might slow the arthritus...atm my hands keep shaking uncontrolably and altho atm it is quite funny im guessing its gunna get more anoying and upsetting with time.

but yes: i wantd to soooooooo much, i wanted to more thn ANYTHING! but i know it wouldnt get me anywere so i just got the bushome and chilled out.

I CAN DO THIS ON MY OWN.

I CAN.

the thought of moving is an exiting one and so im concentrating on that.im terrified that i will never find anyone ever again as im a crip and have too many issues, but il push that to the bk atm. first off: uni. then africa. then going for good.then freedom of mind to find sumone hu really dus care about me as much as i do them. :) and no bolocking from rose ^_^ coz im a good girl.i love that girl.

xmas was really nice, i had a few funny moments, my arms and hands swelled up for the first time and couldnt move them, tht was horrible. it was weird i felt like i needed to cry anyway and once i did i was fine. im so scared right now about it all, i dont want to be in a wheel chair. the more i say i think the more il beleive its real, but right now i dont think i will be in a wheel chair..just dudnt seem real. but i know at this rate it will be.
not all the time maybe, but eventually?im not sure.

but yeh xmas was nice, weird feeling all day tho, like i was waiting for sumthing to happen.
when everyoe came over in the eveing it was brilliant! having all my close mates there and having a lovely tim, paying for it now at work tho...hangover and working is not cool. and im havig to hide my pain form my boss...yes i am a healthy indevidual who is in no bone pain whatseoever sir...none at all, no no no no no.

hahahaha.

looking forward to newyears eve and london and all the exiting things to come.

i also just got £1100 from my inheritance...SWISH! so thats my africa trip sorted :)

i feel nervouse a lot, coz when even my mum sed that she was prepared to see me leave for another country for good in a year and a half...it made iot real. this isnt travelling, this is moving, by myself and a long long way away for a long long time... but fuk it: what an adventure!!

im seeing this as god kiking me up the arse and getting me to live my life, yeh its not the ideal situation: to leave for good coz my bones cant cope with this climate: but its a fucking good start in getting me to experience the world all over again and the only real thing thats terrifying me is that i will be doing it completely on my own.

i guess coz me and dan always planned on doing the same thing together, but im sitting here grinning so much right now, its gunna be amazing :D